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  • Writer's pictureErika Sardinha

Deprogramming Self-hate: How my Crazy Dream Reminded me I get to Choose What to Believe About Myself

I woke up from the craziest dream this morning. In the dream, I was on a white airplane with other women when I realized I had been brainwashed to believe a bunch of horrific lies about myself.

You know how dreams are, right? Sometimes, you magically get downloads of information. Now, my download was that I was being held captive by the same people who made me fall into those lies. I was so outraged that I still feel it in my body now. It's like a scream wanting to come out.

Back to dream: high up in the sky in the all-white airplane, I started planning my escape. I knew those things weren't true, so I was ready to get the hell out of there!

Once we hit the ground, I silently started looking for an exit. The only way out was through the woods, so I started running between the trees and bushy plants, not knowing where I was going, but without looking back. Immediately, a woman came rushing after me, trying to convince me to get back in line with the others.

A robotic voice repeatedly screamed my name and told me I belonged with them. I was holding a white paper with a list of insults. I don't remember the whole list, but I sure recall the feeling: I was worthless and not enough.

This dream shook me to my core. I didn't necessarily wake up feeling bad; I was just amazed at my resilience. It didn't matter what the white paper or the robotic voice said about me; I simply refused to believe it.

I can't help but think that this is exactly what happens daily in our heads. Sometimes consciously, other times not so much.

We try to get somewhere in life, all while carrying this file in our minds with a list of what we think negatively of ourselves. Then there's the voice that keeps repeating the list, sometimes incessantly. Let's not forget about the people that made us believe those lies.

I love remembering my dreams because I always learn something about myself or life itself. This time wasn't an exception.

The biggest lesson I learned is that I get to choose what to believe about myself. It doesn't matter what people told me in the past, the mental chatter between my ears; I always have the power of choice. Always. What a beautiful reminder, especially for a survivor of trauma like me.

You see, childhood trauma affected tremendously the way I view and think about myself. I grew up believing I was weird, unworthy, disgusting, ugly, and other not-so-pleasant characteristics. Harsh words, right? Unfortunately, these are the types of words we keep repeating to ourselves in the privacy of our minds. But it doesn't have to be like this forever, you know?

In my late twenties, I finally decided to address the self-hate that had been growing inside me since my childhood. By then, I wasn't aware of what to do with it or its true origins. All I knew was I had to start from the beginning and pinpoint where it was coming from to move on and heal from it.

That's how I discovered that the self-hate wasn't actually mine; it was planted in my childhood by the people who raised me, with a little sprinkle of society's pressure and expectations.

Of course, I had my share of responsibility in this. No one was forcing me to keep believing these things, but realizing the programming and understanding that's what it was was a hell of a realization! And I was about to deprogram myself, just like in the dream where I started running in the opposite direction to where everyone else was going.

I took my power back and decided to form an opinion of myself and build myself up to become the person I wanted to be. Nowadays, at 37, I have a very different opinion about myself, even though I have my days and need gentle reminders from impactful dreams.

It is never too late to change what you think about yourself and how you feel about who you are. And even though I believe you are perfectly imperfect, I will always encourage growth. In my case, I had a lot of growth to do. If I'm being honest, not all the negative things I thought of myself were lies, and I had to face them, accept them, and work towards change.

So, what program has been running in the background of your mind? Is it affecting the way you see and treat yourself? What do you choose to believe about yourself now? Are there any changes you need to make to become the person you were meant to be?

Maybe this is your sign to start deprogramming and embracing a kinder and more accepting version of yourself. Are you with me?

Lots of love,



Pssst! Did you know I'm offering 8 FREE Align&Thrive Sessions this month? In this session, we assess your current situation, pinpoint the areas where there's misalignment, and together, we create a roadmap with specific steps to help you create a life of alignment.

At the end of the call, you'll gain perspective on your current issues and leave with a roadmap to address them and take the necessary actions to go from surviving to thriving and living an aligned life.

You can book your Align & thrive Session here.

I can't wait to help you thrive from the inside out!


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