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I was standing in the shower, water running through my body, with tears cleansing my soul when I decided to ask the Universe: "Why can't she love me?"; " Why can't she just... love?". I was feeling so frustrated, so out of place. But when you ask the right questions, you receive the most accurate answers. I don't know if it was the Universe, my inner voice or just my brain, but this phrase hit me:
Love is not a feeling or a verb. Love is a skill. Either you can love, or you can't.
As simplistic as this may seem, I found out that this is (for me), an absolute truth. We may be love. We may have love inside of us. But can we love? Do we even know how to? Not everyone is capable of love, and life has shown me this over and over again. Unfortunately, it still shows, to this day and I am sure that you can find proof of that in your life as well.
Some people are blessed, so they naturally know how to love. Usually, these people grew up in a safe and loving environment, and that makes it is easier for them to use the skill of love.- I'm 'kind of' fancying this concept right now! - On the other side of the spectrum, we have the rest of the population, where I include myself. For us, there are two options available: either we put on the effort to learn this skill or life will give us a hard time. Unfortunately, that also affects the ones closest to our hearts. I'll take myself as an example. If you have followed me for a while, you probably read the post or heard the audio blog on "How to love when you didn't have the best examples growing up", where I admit I did not know how to love and that I had to educate myself. Not to say that I am a pro now, but well, I can tell you I am way better at it!
As much as you want people to love you, - and let's not get into the love languages or attachment styles today - some people (I know how frustrating this can be.) are just not capable of loving you, themselves, or anyone else. And the faster we understand this, the better. Why? Because then we are not going to demand something that someone can not possibly give us. I still believe that we are love, and I know this from the bottom of my heart. I also consider that there is no such thing as 'bad people', even though I looked evil in the eye, as a very young age. The thing is, some people never learn how to act from a place of love. Some people never thought of love as a skill that needs to be perfected and correctly used. How many times have you said, "Yeah, but he or she loves me!"? I say yeah but does she or he has the skill of love, do they know how to love you, themselves, others?
Love is not only a feeling or a verb. It is also a skill. Let's be on the lookout for evidence of proper use of this skill in our lives, and act accordingly. How are people in your life treating you? Do you know of someone that does not know how to love, and that makes you feel unlovable or unworthy? I know how it feels. It sucks right? But that is not on you. There is nothing you can do in this situation. It is on them. I mean it. This type of work needs to be done by the person if the person wants to. Can you help? Yes, of course, but for how long are you going to try? As much as it hurts, I prefer to accept and meet the person where she is. I do have to admit that I never lose hope, though, and it breaks my heart a little bit each time I see evidence going all the way to the other side of what I wanted to receive. But let's be real, no one can give what they do not have. They may want to, you may wish for it, but it's impossible.
Only one with the skill of love can actually love.
Namaste,
Erika